Funny

Train DerailCongratulations on your purchase of Leaderail® – the all-in-one resource designed to completely undermine your influence and effectiveness as a leader.  Whether you purchased the CEO Golden Parachute Edition, the One-Term-in-Office Plan, or the 90-day Let’s-Get-This-Over-With Formula, you’re sure to be pleased with the results.  Soon you’ll be free to search for other opportunities for employment or service without the cumbersome distraction of someone else looking to you for guidance or vision.

Each component in the Leaderail® package sells separately and functions as an independent module.  However, when used in combination with other components, we are confident that you will see twice the results in half the time.

You’ll want to read the instruction manual for full details on putting the Leaderail® system into practice.  This document is meant just to introduce you to your Leaderail® package contents. [click to continue…]

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Say Good-bye To Your Frog Mummy

by Andy Wood on March 18, 2013

in 100 Words, Photos

Dendelions

What a wondrous time… when in a matter of days winter’s chill …

Winter Chill

Gives way to the life and hope of spring. [click to continue…]

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hersheykisses

Economics doesn’t have to be difficult.  Just ask my three-year-old grandson…

Understanding Liberalism (True Story)

Cohen:  Papa can I have a treat?

Papa:  What do you want? [click to continue…]

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Man  and his dog reading newspaperIt was one of the early flashes of her wicked-strong sense of humor.  I was taking the twins to school during their sixth grade year.  We passed by the big-chain hotel on South Loop 289 when all of a sudden I heard Carrie bust out laughing from the back.

What was so funny?

The welcome sign at the hotel read, “Welcome Pest Control.”  Obviously it was some kind of meeting of some organization in that industry.  But I’m not sure that’s what you want to trumpet to the rest of the potential guests.

“I’ve heard of roach motels before,” she said, “but they must be desperate.”

+++++++

Fast forward to a couple of weeks ago.  [click to continue…]

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It’s TaB, Baby!

by Andy Wood on February 13, 2013

in 100 Words, Photos

TaB

It’s hard to explain to a Diet Coke fan
Or a four-wheel-drive, six-pack and Marlboro man,
But I still get my kicks from a little pink can –
It’s TaB, baby.  Yeah, it’s TaB.
[click to continue…]

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Egg on faceIt’s a new year, and with it comes new opportunities for all of us to contribute to the blooper reel of life.  Yes, friends, your wait is over – it’s time for another edition of Hanukkah Hams.

Not Hanukkah.  Pretty sure that’s done.  Hanukkah Hams.

If you’re new to all this, let me catch you up.  A Hanukkah Ham, inspired by that all-too-famous Greenwich Village grocer who suggested a ham would be a great addition to anyone’s Hanukkah celebration, is whenever really smart people do really dumb things.

Or when really not-so-smart people do really dumber things.

Past editions have explored regulations for the ladies’ room in a town in California, student life, airline travel, and money, to name a few.  Do a search for Hanukkah Hams here and you’ll find the whole bunch.

So.  This edition is dedicated to the really dopey things we do when no one else is around.  And we’re really grateful that nobody was around to see it.

Yeah… I see that memory already starting to form in your mind.  But I’m letting you off the hook.  Today the pork’s all on me. [click to continue…]

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Strike up the band celebrity endorsements, hang those chads, and God bless the United States of America!  It’s that time again!  Voters in many parts of the country are already heading to the polls to vote early for the upcoming election, and the turn-off (um, I mean turnout) is high!

What better way to remind you that these are humans, not just 8 x 10 glossies, than with another round of Hanukkah Hams?

Since it’s been a while, let me give you the talking points on what a Hanukkah Ham is.  Named in honor of somebody who suggested that his Greenwich Village Jewish customers would love a big ham for their next Hanukkah celebration, a Hanukkah Ham is a really bad (translation:  stupid) idea concocted by usually really smart people.

Previous Hanukkah Ham stories have explored the worlds of  electricity, money, college life, Christmas, air travel and hunting, to name a few.

But with so many words flying these days, what could invite more people to ask, “Did he just say that?” than political races across the country?  Ever since I heard Philip Johns promise to get grits au gratin taken off the lunchroom menu in seventh grade, and Richard Tyson promised to build a student center in ninth, I’ve heard people running for office – any office – say some pretty outlandish things.  I guess it just comes with the territory. [click to continue…]

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Heh heh heh…  You’re gonna know I’m not smart enough to make this up…

They’re trailblazers, I tell ya’.  They’re not about to let a coupla’ Johnny-Come-Lately’s (or Shepherd or Cason or Fischer-Come-Lately’s either) get the drop on them.  No sir. They’re the first-born, by George, and they’re assuming their rightful place on the family frontier.

Um… except that maybe that family frontier may have a few unexpected twists and turns. [click to continue…]

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Bells are ringing, people singing, and joy reigns throughout the land!.  Once again the Spiritual Gifts Commissary (SGC) has convened and after much deliberation and consultation, they are prepared to introduce a fresh new batch of spiritual gifts you won’t find in the Bible.

A spiritual gift is an unusual ability not explained in terms of natural talents.  Through spiritual gifts, the Holy Spirit manifests the life and power of Christ through ordinary believers in extraordinary ways.  Different lists of them are found in 1 Corinthians 12, Romans 12, and Ephesians 4.

A few years ago George Barna reported that when asked what their spiritual gifts were, 21% of Evangelicals listed gifts that are not mentioned in the Bible.  I was intrigued with the possibilities, so I made up a list of my own.

Then last year, the SGC rolled out the 2011 edition.  Seriously, why limit yourself to the Bible when you may actually have the gift of complication, confusion, or criticism?

Based on observations of Christians’ behavior patterns world-wide, the SGC is proud to offer these 10 manifestations as the latest installment of spiritual gifts you won’t find in the Bible.  This many believers can’t be wrong.  Right?  Here they are in alphabetical order: [click to continue…]

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It’s a Prophecy Showdown!

by Andy Wood on December 28, 2011

in Spoofs

Ladieeeees and Gentlemen!  Boys and girls of all ages!  It’s the ultimate prophetic showdown since Elijah and the prophets of Baal!

And I’ve never been so nervous in all my life.

In that corner, at 3 years of age and weighing in at 35 pounds or so, from McKinney, Texas, it’s Laura Kate Wiley.

In this corner, at 53 years of age and weighing in at none-of-your-business, from Mobile, Alabama by way of Lubbock, Texas, it’s yours truly.

I come armed with a theological degree and lots of really useful ministry experience.  She comes armed with a Big Picture Story Bible and can sing from memory all four stanzas of “Joy to the World,” the Doxology, and another two dozen hymns and praise choruses.

But this throwdown isn’t about lyrics or words or theology.  It’s about boys and girls.  And what’s coming home from the hospital in July.

See, about a year or so ago I “prophesied” that all the rest of the grandchildren would be boys – and that it would take that many boys to keep up with the one her mom calls the Big Sasster.  So far… so good.

After Baby Cohen (boy) came Baby Shepherd.  Check. [click to continue…]

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