Funny

Microfono sala conferenze

I have news.

Big news. News some of you have been waiting four years to hear.  And you can say you read about it first here.

I am pleased to announce that the Spiritual Gifts Commissary (SGC), after lots of coffee, reviews of old church bulletins, and listening to hours of Spurgeon sermons on cassettes, has officially declared a new collection of Ten Spiritual Gifts You Won’t Find in the Bible.

This is exciting.

No longer are you limited to a narrow list of spiritual gifts found in places like Romans 12, Ephesians 4, or 1 Corinthians 12.  The Holy Ghost can manifest Himself in all sorts of ways.  Still skeptical? Consider this:  Past surveys have indicated that more than 20% of American Christians claim to have spiritual gifts never mentioned in scripture.

That many fired and wired believers couldn’t possibly be wrong.

Right?

Anyway, by definition, a spiritual gift is an unusual ability to demonstrate God’s life and power in ways that can’t be explained by talent or random circumstances. And according to the Bible, all believers have some sort of spiritual gifting.

But what? How can you know?

That’s where the SGC comes in.  In addition to the 17 gifts mentioned in scripture, they have explored other ways that people in Church World demonstrate such other-worldly force, it must be a gift.  Possibilities include the gift of condemnation, complication, or word of ignorance.  It would be well worth the time to review the original list here. Or even better, check out the lists here and here.  Who knows? Maybe the pointing towards your anointing can be found tucked away in one of those.

But wait! There’s more!  Here, in alphabetical order, are ten more Church World manifestations that may well explain how you or someone you put up with love are endowed. [click to continue…]

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funny surprised girl  with glasses reading books

Well, the spring semester is well under way and the papers are already starting to fly.  Most of them get their well-deserved grades and get sent back with a little feedback.

Next!

But every once in a while a student will arrest me with a statement that is profound, beautifully written, or just plain funny.  And so over the years I have kept a file of favorite student quotations.

This edition is dedicated to some of the smiles or laugh-out-loud statements I have seen over the years.  Keep in mind that all of these were written for a grade, so humor carries a bit of risk when you’re supposed to be writing about serious things.  That didn’t stop this bunch.

So have a smile break on me and enjoy these seven… Click here for a smile or two… you’ll be glad you did.

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Raw Chicken

Have you ever had somebody you wanted so badly to impress that you were sure to set yourself up for disaster?

Not really?

Okay, you can just laugh at my story then.

I was in my first pastorate – a lovely country church just out on the edge of a small town in southwest Alabama.  People there were so kind and gracious to us.  I was new and eager to impress, plus was passionate and excited about reaching people and seeing the church grow and flourish.

But this isn’t about reaching people or growing churches.  It’s about chicken.

Grilling chicken, to be precise. [click to continue…]

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One Stop Shopping

by Andy Wood on October 17, 2014

in 100 Words, Photos

Spirit store 2

Here it is!

Mobile’s answer to one-stop shopping.

While you’re picking up your Tommee Tippee Back to Nature bottle warmer (currently on sale at you-gotta-be-kidding-me prices), you can also check out some fake blood or a Walking Dead costume next door.

We’re talking odd couple convenience, friends. [click to continue…]

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Spider

All Your works shall give thanks to You, O Lord… Psalm 145:10

This is a work of God.

This little guy has lived at my house longer than I have.

Throughout the summer he’s maintained this exquisite work of art, despite several collisions with humans.

He’s not alone.

He joins with all creation, using their gifts and design, worshipping their Creator.

And on days like this, I get to have a front-row seat.

Blue jays, cardinals and mockingbirds call to each other nearby. [click to continue…]

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Old Jalopy

The Rental

Last week we made a cross-country U-turn and returned to Lubbock for a wedding and some work and training.  We needed to rent a car, but weren’t too worried about it.  Hey, it was Wednesday, in June, in Lubbock Texas.  What could possibly be a problem with renting a car?

Texas Tech University, that’s what.  It’s the tail that wags everybody’s dog in Lubbock, and it seems they were having Freshman Orientation or something, and all the cars were booked.  Except at Hertz.  So we stand in the long line and wait.  Finally I tell the desk jockey I would like an SUV for four days.

“I can do that rental for $131.00,” she says.  I’m impressed.  “Go for it,” says I.

Turns out that was $131.00 a day.  Something about supply and demand.

Oh well.  Sometimes you’re just running on five cylinders.

(Speaking of supply and demand, the next day Alamo had a supply – $21.00 a day for a Camry – and I made a demand that Hertz take their gold-plated rental back.) [click to continue…]

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When Life Hands You Buzzards

by Andy Wood on January 3, 2014

in Turning Points

Deer Bluff

(Looking up from below Deer Bluff. The picture doesn’t do it justice.)

 

Family reunion at the farm, and it was crowd-ed.  People were in every nook and cranny, and I don’t even know what a cranny is.  I just needed to get away and spend time with the Lord. I so wanted to be refreshed by His presence and hear His voice speak to me in the way only He can.

What better way to do that than to enjoy the Father’s presence in nature?  I was about 16 at the time, and for me that could only mean one thing – mount Grandaddy’s old Ford tractor and make the trek to the enchantment of Deer Bluff. [click to continue…]

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How to Make Turkey Nuts

by Andy Wood on November 18, 2013

in Spoofs

Turkey NutsDecember 1944.  The 101st Airborne, under the command of General Anthony McAuliffe, held the little town of Bastogne, Belgium, “at all costs” under siege by the German army.  On the morning of December 22, four Germans came up the road carrying a white flag.  Everybody hoped they were offering to surrender. Instead, they presented an ultimatum from the German commander:  “the honorable surrender of the encircled town.”

McAuliffe glanced at the message and said, “Aw, nuts!”

A sergeant sent the one-word reply and the rest is profound military history.

What we didn’t know until today is that McAuliffe was actually saying he missed those mixed nuts his mama used to make and have out for all the company at Christmas time.

That’s the power of Turkey Nuts®, friends.  They can change history.  (Or at least try to rewrite it.)

And now, for the first time ever, the LifeVesting Culinary Institute is making available our own patented recipe.  And because this information is so potentially beneficial to you, we are offering it as investment in your health, absolutely free of charge.

You’re welcome. [click to continue…]

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Help! I’ve Been Blindsided by Obamacar!

by Andy Wood on November 6, 2013

in Conversations, Spoofs

Cuban CarThank you for calling the Affordable Car Administration.  This is Brenda, how may I direct your call?

Hi Brenda, this is An… Hey, you sound familiar.  Didn’t I talk to you about needing an attorney because I left my keys in the car?

Why yes, I believe you did!  Mr. Wood, is it?

Yeah, that’s me.  And then you were at that firm looking for heroes or something?

Quite correct, sir.  Unfortunately that didn’t work out so well.

Why’s that?

The recession. All our heroes were unemployed, so they signed up for government work.

And the attorneys?

The same.  You know that they say… “The best place for an out-of-work lawyer is in making more laws for all of us to enjoy!”

Well I’m glad to hear a familiar voice there, Brenda.  I’m in a world of hurt. I just got this notice in the mail that says, “Your current vehicle is being discontinued as of January 1.” Then I’m supposed to purchase a new one that meets the minimum requirements of the ACA?

Well congratulations are certainly in order, sir! I know you’re going to enjoy driving your new automobile. [click to continue…]

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inflated gloveThe stress you feel is proportional to the amount of control you have over a situation.

That sounds very intuitive, but there’s a spiritual contradiction to that.  More on that in a minute.

Here’s an example of how that idea works out in the natural.  A month ago I go to the doctor and he says my lipid levels are high.  I roll my eyes and say, “same old same old.” I don’t get stressed about it because there is something I can do to correct it.  Anyway, I’ve been hearing that for 30 years.

When he sends me for another test and I find out my heart calcium score is high, almost in the danger zone, again, the first thing I do is look for something I can do about it, because I have a steadfast belief that I can do something about it.  So I’m motivated, but not stressed.

Same thing goes, even when I’m told I’m a Type II diabetic because of my lifestyle choices in the past.  Well, crud.  But I can do something about that by making different choices (and by the way I am making different choices and seeing wonderful results).

But when the doctor says I have a narrowing in the arteries at the top of my heart and he “wants to take a look at it” with an angiogram, and oh, by the way, if there is a significant enough blockage he may put a stint in it, suddenly he has crossed the line of my control.

Hello stress. [click to continue…]

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