Spoofs


{Disclosure:  This blog has been hacked.  This blog post and the three that follow today do not represent the thoughts, ideas, intelligence, creative perspective, sense of humor, theological viewpoints, or grammar skills of Andy Wood Ph.D. and he is hereby released from any responsibility, liability, culpability, and general other abilities related to said posts.  He did, however, sire, raise and influence all three authors –  so make what judgments you will.}

SiblingsToday’s a pretty significant day.  It’s a day that is set aside to purposefully honor fathers, or father-like figures in people’s lives.  Now, we might be a little biased, but we kind of think that we hit the jackpot when it comes to dads.  Our father is loving, creative, funny and has spent his life pointing us to Jesus.  He is an excellent communicator, a generous giver, and puts up with our family vacations to Disney World.  So it makes pretty logical sense that on this day dedicated to dads, we would want to come up with a really cool gift idea, right? Right!  Let the brainstorming begin! [click to continue…]

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Microfono sala conferenze

I have news.

Big news. News some of you have been waiting four years to hear.  And you can say you read about it first here.

I am pleased to announce that the Spiritual Gifts Commissary (SGC), after lots of coffee, reviews of old church bulletins, and listening to hours of Spurgeon sermons on cassettes, has officially declared a new collection of Ten Spiritual Gifts You Won’t Find in the Bible.

This is exciting.

No longer are you limited to a narrow list of spiritual gifts found in places like Romans 12, Ephesians 4, or 1 Corinthians 12.  The Holy Ghost can manifest Himself in all sorts of ways.  Still skeptical? Consider this:  Past surveys have indicated that more than 20% of American Christians claim to have spiritual gifts never mentioned in scripture.

That many fired and wired believers couldn’t possibly be wrong.

Right?

Anyway, by definition, a spiritual gift is an unusual ability to demonstrate God’s life and power in ways that can’t be explained by talent or random circumstances. And according to the Bible, all believers have some sort of spiritual gifting.

But what? How can you know?

That’s where the SGC comes in.  In addition to the 17 gifts mentioned in scripture, they have explored other ways that people in Church World demonstrate such other-worldly force, it must be a gift.  Possibilities include the gift of condemnation, complication, or word of ignorance.  It would be well worth the time to review the original list here. Or even better, check out the lists here and here.  Who knows? Maybe the pointing towards your anointing can be found tucked away in one of those.

But wait! There’s more!  Here, in alphabetical order, are ten more Church World manifestations that may well explain how you or someone you put up with love are endowed. [click to continue…]

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Horseshoe

In one of old his “Peanuts” cartoons, Charles Schultz has Linus bringing manager Charlie Brown a statistical report on the baseball team.  “In twelve games,” he said, “we almost scored a run and in nine games the other team almost didn’t score before the first out.  In right field, Lucy almost caught three balls and once almost made the right play.”  Then Linus concluded in the cartoon’s last frame with this classic statement:  “We led the league in ‘almosts.’”

No doubt about it – Linus is prime preacher material.   How many times have you heard a pastor say, “We almost met our offering goal?”  Or, “We almost reached our attendance goal.”  How many people have you known who almost came to church, who almost decided to follow Christ, or who almost trusted their situation to God?  It happens – er, almost every weekend.

Come to think of it, we almost do so many things, we could start a whole new church – the First Church of Hand Grenades and Horseshoes.  [click to continue…]

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How to Make Turkey Nuts

by Andy Wood on November 18, 2013

in Spoofs

Turkey NutsDecember 1944.  The 101st Airborne, under the command of General Anthony McAuliffe, held the little town of Bastogne, Belgium, “at all costs” under siege by the German army.  On the morning of December 22, four Germans came up the road carrying a white flag.  Everybody hoped they were offering to surrender. Instead, they presented an ultimatum from the German commander:  “the honorable surrender of the encircled town.”

McAuliffe glanced at the message and said, “Aw, nuts!”

A sergeant sent the one-word reply and the rest is profound military history.

What we didn’t know until today is that McAuliffe was actually saying he missed those mixed nuts his mama used to make and have out for all the company at Christmas time.

That’s the power of Turkey Nuts®, friends.  They can change history.  (Or at least try to rewrite it.)

And now, for the first time ever, the LifeVesting Culinary Institute is making available our own patented recipe.  And because this information is so potentially beneficial to you, we are offering it as investment in your health, absolutely free of charge.

You’re welcome. [click to continue…]

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Help! I’ve Been Blindsided by Obamacar!

by Andy Wood on November 6, 2013

in Conversations, Spoofs

Cuban CarThank you for calling the Affordable Car Administration.  This is Brenda, how may I direct your call?

Hi Brenda, this is An… Hey, you sound familiar.  Didn’t I talk to you about needing an attorney because I left my keys in the car?

Why yes, I believe you did!  Mr. Wood, is it?

Yeah, that’s me.  And then you were at that firm looking for heroes or something?

Quite correct, sir.  Unfortunately that didn’t work out so well.

Why’s that?

The recession. All our heroes were unemployed, so they signed up for government work.

And the attorneys?

The same.  You know that they say… “The best place for an out-of-work lawyer is in making more laws for all of us to enjoy!”

Well I’m glad to hear a familiar voice there, Brenda.  I’m in a world of hurt. I just got this notice in the mail that says, “Your current vehicle is being discontinued as of January 1.” Then I’m supposed to purchase a new one that meets the minimum requirements of the ACA?

Well congratulations are certainly in order, sir! I know you’re going to enjoy driving your new automobile. [click to continue…]

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Train DerailCongratulations on your purchase of Leaderail® – the all-in-one resource designed to completely undermine your influence and effectiveness as a leader.  Whether you purchased the CEO Golden Parachute Edition, the One-Term-in-Office Plan, or the 90-day Let’s-Get-This-Over-With Formula, you’re sure to be pleased with the results.  Soon you’ll be free to search for other opportunities for employment or service without the cumbersome distraction of someone else looking to you for guidance or vision.

Each component in the Leaderail® package sells separately and functions as an independent module.  However, when used in combination with other components, we are confident that you will see twice the results in half the time.

You’ll want to read the instruction manual for full details on putting the Leaderail® system into practice.  This document is meant just to introduce you to your Leaderail® package contents. [click to continue…]

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Egg on faceIt’s a new year, and with it comes new opportunities for all of us to contribute to the blooper reel of life.  Yes, friends, your wait is over – it’s time for another edition of Hanukkah Hams.

Not Hanukkah.  Pretty sure that’s done.  Hanukkah Hams.

If you’re new to all this, let me catch you up.  A Hanukkah Ham, inspired by that all-too-famous Greenwich Village grocer who suggested a ham would be a great addition to anyone’s Hanukkah celebration, is whenever really smart people do really dumb things.

Or when really not-so-smart people do really dumber things.

Past editions have explored regulations for the ladies’ room in a town in California, student life, airline travel, and money, to name a few.  Do a search for Hanukkah Hams here and you’ll find the whole bunch.

So.  This edition is dedicated to the really dopey things we do when no one else is around.  And we’re really grateful that nobody was around to see it.

Yeah… I see that memory already starting to form in your mind.  But I’m letting you off the hook.  Today the pork’s all on me. [click to continue…]

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Strike up the band celebrity endorsements, hang those chads, and God bless the United States of America!  It’s that time again!  Voters in many parts of the country are already heading to the polls to vote early for the upcoming election, and the turn-off (um, I mean turnout) is high!

What better way to remind you that these are humans, not just 8 x 10 glossies, than with another round of Hanukkah Hams?

Since it’s been a while, let me give you the talking points on what a Hanukkah Ham is.  Named in honor of somebody who suggested that his Greenwich Village Jewish customers would love a big ham for their next Hanukkah celebration, a Hanukkah Ham is a really bad (translation:  stupid) idea concocted by usually really smart people.

Previous Hanukkah Ham stories have explored the worlds of  electricity, money, college life, Christmas, air travel and hunting, to name a few.

But with so many words flying these days, what could invite more people to ask, “Did he just say that?” than political races across the country?  Ever since I heard Philip Johns promise to get grits au gratin taken off the lunchroom menu in seventh grade, and Richard Tyson promised to build a student center in ninth, I’ve heard people running for office – any office – say some pretty outlandish things.  I guess it just comes with the territory. [click to continue…]

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Bells are ringing, people singing, and joy reigns throughout the land!.  Once again the Spiritual Gifts Commissary (SGC) has convened and after much deliberation and consultation, they are prepared to introduce a fresh new batch of spiritual gifts you won’t find in the Bible.

A spiritual gift is an unusual ability not explained in terms of natural talents.  Through spiritual gifts, the Holy Spirit manifests the life and power of Christ through ordinary believers in extraordinary ways.  Different lists of them are found in 1 Corinthians 12, Romans 12, and Ephesians 4.

A few years ago George Barna reported that when asked what their spiritual gifts were, 21% of Evangelicals listed gifts that are not mentioned in the Bible.  I was intrigued with the possibilities, so I made up a list of my own.

Then last year, the SGC rolled out the 2011 edition.  Seriously, why limit yourself to the Bible when you may actually have the gift of complication, confusion, or criticism?

Based on observations of Christians’ behavior patterns world-wide, the SGC is proud to offer these 10 manifestations as the latest installment of spiritual gifts you won’t find in the Bible.  This many believers can’t be wrong.  Right?  Here they are in alphabetical order: [click to continue…]

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Thanks for spending the money and manpower to tell us, not once but three times, what we already knew from the rattling and bouncing of our vehicles.

Is it too much to ask you to actually solve the problem?

I guess if you can’t amaze us with the outcomes, you can always astound us with the obvious.

Hmmm. [click to continue…]

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