Gift Lift: Ten MORE Spiritual Gifts You Won’t Find in the Bible

by Andy Wood on March 10, 2016

in Ability, Consumers, Exploring the Possibilities, Life Currency, LV Alter-egos, LV Cycle, Spoofs

Microfono sala conferenze

I have news.

Big news. News some of you have been waiting four years to hear.  And you can say you read about it first here.

I am pleased to announce that the Spiritual Gifts Commissary (SGC), after lots of coffee, reviews of old church bulletins, and listening to hours of Spurgeon sermons on cassettes, has officially declared a new collection of Ten Spiritual Gifts You Won’t Find in the Bible.

This is exciting.

No longer are you limited to a narrow list of spiritual gifts found in places like Romans 12, Ephesians 4, or 1 Corinthians 12.  The Holy Ghost can manifest Himself in all sorts of ways.  Still skeptical? Consider this:  Past surveys have indicated that more than 20% of American Christians claim to have spiritual gifts never mentioned in scripture.

That many fired and wired believers couldn’t possibly be wrong.

Right?

Anyway, by definition, a spiritual gift is an unusual ability to demonstrate God’s life and power in ways that can’t be explained by talent or random circumstances. And according to the Bible, all believers have some sort of spiritual gifting.

But what? How can you know?

That’s where the SGC comes in.  In addition to the 17 gifts mentioned in scripture, they have explored other ways that people in Church World demonstrate such other-worldly force, it must be a gift.  Possibilities include the gift of condemnation, complication, or word of ignorance.  It would be well worth the time to review the original list here. Or even better, check out the lists here and here.  Who knows? Maybe the pointing towards your anointing can be found tucked away in one of those.

But wait! There’s more!  Here, in alphabetical order, are ten more Church World manifestations that may well explain how you or someone you put up with love are endowed.

Affliction

The perfect companion to gifts of healing or mercy, the gift of affliction is the unusual ability to make everybody else just as miserable as you are.

More than being a Debbie Downer or Eeyore-type personality, people with this gift don’t just kill the mood – they share the pain. With stunning effect.  You name it, they can spread it…

Rejection… check.

False rumors… check.

Helpless victimhood… check.

Offenses… check.

Guilt and shame… check and double-check.

This useful gift serves as a reminder that this evil world is not our home and we shouldn’t get comfortable in it.  Anyway, how can we “comfort the afflicted” unless we afflict them to start with?

Appearance  

In this digital, media-driven age, no longer do ministries have to struggle with the awkward problem of talented but unattractive people trying to compete in the world with more glamorous, camera-friendly faces.

Enter the gift of appearance.

This is the ability to look smokin’ hot for God on a stage – or make someone else look good -whether you actually have talent or not.

Not to be confused with video producers or somebody just back from the spa, people with this gift have a way of making outsiders think all Christians are just plain pretty.  After all, while God may look at the heart, man still looks at the outside.  What great ambassadors for the kingdom!

Calamity

“Into each life some rain must fall,” the song says, “but too much is falling in mine.” There may be a reason.  Maybe they have they gift of calamity, and they’re giving Job a run for his money.

You can always spot this gift at prayer request time… this saint’s in a world of hurt.  Or it’s their brother-in-law, neighbor, mama or coworker. And when that issue is resolved, another crisis shows up on their radar.

This gift is very useful for teaching Christians compassion, patience, and gratitude. Because no matter how bad you have it, the person with the gift of calamity is always around to remind you, it could be worse.

Credence

Honestly, sometimes “believers” are a skeptical bunch. Especially when the pastor suggests changing something.

So apparently the Lord needed somebody who could check their brain at the door, throw caution to the wind, and say yes.

To everything…

…and anything…

…the pastor or some other authority says.

That’s the gift of credence – the supernatural ability to believe and do whatever you’re told, just because the right authority figure said so. This gifted one can see past “God’s man’s” suspicious actions or past sins and boldly rise to follow their leader.

Imagine the potential of a congregation filled with people declaring, “God said it. The pastor heard it.  That settles it.  Amen!”

Detachment

Once thought to be the sole propriety of Anglicans and certain Presbyterians, the gift of detachment has been popping up everywhere, even in some Charismatic/Pentecostal circles.

Well, “popping” is probably too dramatic a word.

The gift of detachment is the ability to deflect and diffuse any and all forms of excess excitement.  With stunning effectiveness, people with this gift can calm any waves of passion or enthusiasm with just a few words of theological jargon or a stony exterior.

These aren’t killjoys – that would be too hostile. Think of it as God’s gift of Cool. A stiff upper lip for Jesus.  Righteous rationality, sure to quiet the fervor of the uninformed or immature.

Drama

Apparently the Lord was concerned about church life getting too predictable or dull.  Say hey to the gift of drama.

This isn’t the “drama” behind last year’s Easter pageant.  It’s the super-human ability to make the most mundane experience drip with turmoil or tension.

People with this gift can inject over-the-top emotional reactions into something as bland as the offertory prayer.  When they’re involved “somebody” is upset. Or there’s a new reason to be worried. Or some hidden bit of information is about to be revealed.

Sure, some people do that just because they’re immature or lonely. But maybe this is the Spirit’s way of keeping people awake and alert to the next heavenly adventure.

Logorrhea

Many spiritual gifts use speech of some sort.  But regardless of the form, they all have one thing in common. Sooner or later the prophet, teacher, or exhorter shuts up.

That, my friend, is the problem.

Obviously if words are so important, then somebody needs to keep them flying.

That’s where the gift of logorrhea – the ability to talk endlessly – comes in.  Turn this person loose with the gospel on an unsuspecting non-believer, and soon they’ll be getting saved just to get some relief!  Make somebody with this gift the church greeter and look out.  People will be running from the parking lot and foyer to get into the worship center.

Merchandising

“Silver and gold have I none,” Peter told the lame beggar.  The gift of merchandising can change that forever.  This gift puts the “fun” in fund raising.

For the Kingdom, of course.

Long thought to be purview of TV evangelists or medieval hawkers of indulgences, people with this gift can turn just about anything into a salable product. And boy, is that useful these days, what with the declines in offerings and such.  Money follows them like flies follow honey.

While everybody else touts “stewardship” (a quaint, archaic word), merchandisers (it’s even a staff position in some megachurches) are busy reeling off the next must-have video series or organizing the next God gala.

Microphone

Ever see somebody morph from wallflower to verbal ninja when they got behind a podium or microphone, then disappear again when the production or service was over?  You may have thought they weren’t practicing what they preached.

Not so, my servant-hearted friend.

They were probably just exercising the gift of microphone – the ability to focus and channel all your energy into those moments when you’re in front of a crowd. This anointing is so powerful, it literally drives people to say no to any distracting need.

Feed the hungry? No.

Stack chairs?  No.

Join a home fellowship?  No.

Serve on a committee?  Seriously? No.

Lead a Bible study?  Now you’re talking.

Share a testimony? Anytime.

Urgency

The gift of urgency is the ability to speed up everything and everyone around you, for better or worse.

Imagine Martha on Holy Ghost steroids.  I’m talking righteous red-alert specialists.  Eternal emergency buttons.

People with this gift don’t just have a sense of urgency themselves.  They jet you into action as well. If you find your heart beating a little faster and the sudden urge to look busy when you see certain people coming, they probably have this gift.

What are you doing just sitting there?  Get up!  There’s work to be done. You can sit at the feet of Jesus when you get to heaven, praise God. Until then get busy.

Now!

Hurry!

 

That’s it for this edition, friends. Some are still under consideration, such as the possible gifts of manipulation or superiority. Still, even with a total list of 40 potential alternatives, I’m sticking with the ones in the Bible.

But sometimes I do wonder…

{ 1 comment… read it below or add one }

Martha Orlando March 11, 2016 at 9:16 am

Lol! I’d be laughing even harder if this weren’t so true about our churches. I’ll keep my eyes peeled in the future if I see one of these coming toward me.
Blessings, Andy!
Martha Orlando´s last blog post ..Trust and Believe

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