Help! I’ve Been Blindsided by Obamacar!

by Andy Wood on November 6, 2013

in Conversations, Spoofs

Cuban CarThank you for calling the Affordable Car Administration.  This is Brenda, how may I direct your call?

Hi Brenda, this is An… Hey, you sound familiar.  Didn’t I talk to you about needing an attorney because I left my keys in the car?

Why yes, I believe you did!  Mr. Wood, is it?

Yeah, that’s me.  And then you were at that firm looking for heroes or something?

Quite correct, sir.  Unfortunately that didn’t work out so well.

Why’s that?

The recession. All our heroes were unemployed, so they signed up for government work.

And the attorneys?

The same.  You know that they say… “The best place for an out-of-work lawyer is in making more laws for all of us to enjoy!”

Well I’m glad to hear a familiar voice there, Brenda.  I’m in a world of hurt. I just got this notice in the mail that says, “Your current vehicle is being discontinued as of January 1.” Then I’m supposed to purchase a new one that meets the minimum requirements of the ACA?

Well congratulations are certainly in order, sir! I know you’re going to enjoy driving your new automobile.

Yeah, see, that’s the thing.  I’m not exactly needing or wanting a new car. I’m pretty happy with the one I have.

Well, let me a look at your account. I’m sure this is all just a minor misunderstanding.  Let’s see… Our records show that you drive a 2005 Toyota Camry?

No, it’s a 2008 Suzuki XL7.

Oh, yes, the sports car.

Well, no, more of a crossover.

A crossover sir?

That’s right.

Yes, well, the ACA provides affordable vehicles to all citizens regardless of their orientation.

What?  No! Ewww! My car’s sorta like a four-wheel drive station wagon.

Oh, yes I see now… I’m pulling up your service record.  Oh my.  Seems you get an awful lot of flat tires.

Well, what can I say? It’s West Texas. Every time the wind blows hard we get nails and screws in our tires.

And I don’t see where you changed the oil every 3,000 miles.

Yeah, I may have scrimped a little on that one.

And the visual inspection showed a pretty significant scratch down the right side?

Sure, but nothing that can’t be fixed.

Unfortunately service claims and product history suggest that the car is only going to get more expensive to operate. That’s why your vehicle is being discontinued in lieu of a new model.

But I like my car, and it’s paid for!

And I’m sure you’ll enjoy your new car even more! And may I say, you’ll look devilishly handsome behind the wheel of your new Ford Fiesta!

Who said anything about a Fiesta?

Oh, I’m sorry. You wanted something smaller? A Smart Car perhaps?

Are you kidding me? Out here they eat Smart Cars for breakfast.

Well, you’re certainly free to go to the Purchase Exchange web site to select the model of your choice.

The “model of my choice” is the model in my garage!  And anyway, I went to your web site. After waiting for an hour for the bloomin’ thing to load up, I started filling out all this financial and family information before it even told me what my purchase options were.

Well, sir, I do apologize for the slight inconvenience due to the wait. But the idea is to match your vehicle selection to your personal financial situation, less Federal subsidies (should you qualify for them), plus your Federally-mandated national auto insurance.

Federal insurance?

That’s correct, sir.

So the government is now going to insure my car?

Not exactly. That’s still your responsibility with your local insurance provider.

So what’s the Federal thing for?

Oh that insures that if you don’t make the payments on the vehicle in a timely manner, the government will be reimbursed for its subsidies.

Okay, let me get this straight…

Yes sir.

This new Obamacar law…

We prefer the Affordable Car Act.

Whatever.  The law says that my current car, which is perfectly fine to drive on December 31, will be illegal to drive on January 1?

Well, technically not illegal – just subject to a fine.

Awesome. So I have until January 1 to buy a new car?

That’s correct, sir.

And I have to pick the new car from a web site that isn’t working?

Oh, I’m sure we’ll get those pesky little bugs worked out soon there. But yes, that’s where you order your new vehicle.

And when I buy this new car, I also have to pay for an insurance policy that protects the government?

That’s correct sir – just as you would have a mortgage insurance premium for an FHA loan for your home. In fact, that’s where we got the idea. Funds collected and not distributed through claims will offset ol’ Uncle Sam for the subsidies. It’s a delightful system.

That I’m paying for!

Well, the ACA’s position is that we all must do our fair share.

And what does that mean?

Well, your employer reports your vehicle history on your W-2 form. This increases accountability and communication.  You see to it that you own a late-model car with a minimum of power windows, steering, and brakes, cruise control, satellite-based stereo system with hands-free controls, and a minimum fuel mileage of 30 miles to the gallon.

I don’t have half that stuff now!

See?  Soon you will, and you can thank the ACA for that. You’re welcome!  Meanwhile, the Affordable Car Act makes it possible for every citizen over the age of 21 to own his or her own vehicle at an affordable price.

And who decides what’s affordable?

The Affordable Car Administration, of course, which is a division of the Department of the Treasury. Our cousins at the IRS help supply the relevant data, and our accountants, formerly of Madoff and Andersen, help crunch the numbers.

Well, with them you sure can’t go wrong!

Precisely!

But what about the people in large cities like New York, who don’t want to own a car?

They have the option of subtracting the costs of their public transportation from the cost of a new Cadillac Escalade, which is the standard-issue government vehicle. They have to provide receipts, of course.  That money goes to help subsidize the purchase of affordable transportation for those who can’t afford it.

And what about the people who aren’t responsible drivers?

That’s what insurance is for. And the ACA has ensured that no one can be denied coverage because of their driving history.

So that’s why my insurance rates have doubled? What about those who are impaired and can’t drive?

The ACA provides dedicated drivers that are…

Subsidized.  Yeah, I get it.  Who’s idea was all this anyway?

Well, of course, concerned lawmakers have been saying for years that it’s tragic that only 18% of the people in the world own cars. And even more tragic that some people in America could afford a new Hummer back in the day, when others couldn’t afford a Yugo.  But I think it all came to a head after Hurricane Katrina.

Seriously?

Yes, those tragic images of people sitting on their rooftops when they could have been driving their SUVs to safety got the attention of both sides of the aisle.

And government-mandated car ownership was their solution?

Well, it certainly has worked for health insurance.

You’re joking, right?

Certainly not.  The first thing you learn when you work for the government is that the government is working for you!  And if the government is not working for you, you’re out of a job.  It’s all part of the TUG campaign.

TUG?

Talk Up Government.

Of course.  So do government employees have to participate in Obamacar?  I mean, the ACA?

Unfortunately the government sees it as a conflict of interest for its employees to take advantage of the opportunities made possible by the ACA.  So we aren’t allowed to participate in the program.

Why am I not surprised?

Well, Mr. Wood, I think I have found where you can go for a solution.

A person to talk to?

No, a web site:  www.mynewcar.gov.

What? That’s the one I already went to!

Well now, aren’t you glad you went to the right place?

This is a disaster.

No, I’m pretty sure you call FEMA for that.

So what are you going to do with my old car?

You’ll be pleased to know that the State Department has negotiated an agreement with a foreign government with a great affinity for old cars, in exchange for certain exports that have been off-limits for years.

Do you mean what I think you mean?

I think I do!  Obamacars for Cuban cigars!

Let there be peace on earth, Brenda.

And a car in every garage.  Rest well, sir. And remember, your government is always a step behind you.

Wouldn’t have it any other way.

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{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }

Martha Orlando November 6, 2013 at 10:53 am

Fantastic parody, Andy! Reading this made my day. Thanks!
Martha Orlando´s last blog post ..Give Me a Break!

Andy Wood November 6, 2013 at 11:07 am

Thanks. Hoping I can leverage this into a government job. 🙂

Cannon Law December 8, 2018 at 4:00 pm

It’s really a masterpiece. I love the way you wrote this parody!

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