Hanukkah Hams: Game Warden Edition

by Andy Wood on November 20, 2009

in Gamblers, LV Alter-egos

HuntingTomorrow gun season begins for deer hunters in my home state.  And what better way to celebrate than with another round of Hanukkah Hams!  In case you’ve missed previous editions, allow me to explain.  Hanukkah Hams are glorious acts of intelligence-gone-south.  Ideas that seemed to make perfectly good sense at the time, but leave you asking, “Huh?  What was I thinking?

In honor of my shotgun-totin’ four wheelin’ Bambi-chaser friends in Alabama and beyond, this edition of Hanukkah Hams takes to the woods or the marshes, the fields and even the lakes to remind you – the Second Amendment protects your right to bear arms.  But thousands of other laws exist to protect the deer, the antelope, and apparently every other known species known to man.

And frankly, all of this gets confusing.  I mean, really, did you actually read all those regulations when you got your license?  I just look for the dates when the shells and fur can start flying.

What’s more, everything varies from state to state, and even region to region.  So we here at the Hanukkah Hams Research Institute sought the help of a recognized expert.

Couldn’t find one of those.

So we checked with local Game Warden Burney Fife, who seemed to have a surprising amount of knowledge on the subject.  Here’s an excerpt from our interview:

HHRI:  Burney, thanks for joining us.

BF:  My pleasure, Anj.  This is an important subject, and a crit-i-cal time of year.

HHRI:  It certainly is.  We want all the hunters and lovers of the outdoors to have a safe, incident-free experience this season.

BF:  Right you are.  And we at the Fish and Wildlife Department are here to ensure the safety and compliance of everyone involved.  The last thing we want is for anyone to spend the weekend in jail instead of the woods or lakes.

HHRI:  I guess not.  So Burney, since hunting season is in full swing in many places, I guess the first thing we should make sure of is that we have a proper license?

BF:    Yessiree.  Some people get confused by that.

HHRI:  How’s that?

BF:  Well, for example, some hunters like to hunt or fish on their own land.  And that’s ok in most places.  But in Pennsylvania, you have to have a license.

HHRI:  Even to shoot a turkey in my own back yard?

BF:  Yessiree Bob.  And if you live in Cleveland, you must have a proper hunting license for mice?

HHRI:  Mice?

BF:  Hey, they’re animals, too.  And it’s illegal to catch them without a license.  Oh, and in Galesburg, Illinois, there’s a $1,000 dollar fine for beating rats with baseball bats.

HHRI:  Whose idea was that?

BF:  Probably a rat.

HHRI:  Anything else we should know?

BF:  Lots of states, including Massachusetts, forbid hunting on Sundays.  Oh, and stay out of moving vehicles when you’re shooting.  In Tennessee and California, it’s illegal, unless you’re shooting at a whale.

HHRI:  I’ll try to keep that in mind.

BF:  And it’s illegal to shoot jackrabbits from the back of a streetcar in San Diego.

HHRI:  No way!

BF:  Yes way.

HHRI:  What about, you know, more exotic game?

BF:  It’s possible, if you remember three things.  First, hunting camels is prohibited in Arizona.  Second, in Texas you can’t shoot a buffalo from a second-story window.

HHRI:  Makes sense, I guess, though I’m a little disappointed about cancelling the camel hunt.  What’s the third thing?

BF:  Remember that Los Angeles has hunting laws, too.

HHRI:  Really?

BF:  Yes sir!  You’re not allowed to hunt moths under a street light.

HHRI:  Well that takes care of that!  Well Burney, I guess hunting season is your prime time.

BF:  Well, Anj, we’re at work year round, enforcing fish and wildlife laws for all seasons.

HHRI:  Do tell?

BF:  Oh yes.  Perps are everywhere.  Bear wrestlers in Alabama.  Bear photographers in Alaska.

HHRI:  Photographers?

BF:  Yessir.  You can kill bears there, but you can’t wake ‘em up to take their picture.

HHRI:  What about moose?

BF:  Okay to shoot.  Not okay to push a live one out of an airplane.

HHRI:  Ouch.  Anything to do with deer?

BF:  No feeding the deer in Wells, Maine.  And it is illegal to molest a Key deer in Big Pine Key, Florida.

HHRI:  Uh, molest?

BF:  And while we on the subject…

HHRIWhat subject?

BF:  … In Montana it’s illegal to have a sheep in the cab of your truck without a chaperone.  And in California, animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship.

HHRI:  Those Californians thought of everything.

BF:  They did.  No one may annoy a lizard in a city park in Fresno. In Portola, dogs are forbidden to chase squirrels in the summer.  And it’s illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood Boulevard at one time.

HHRI:  What about birds, Burney?

BF:  Well, thre’s no throwing rocks at them in Dublin, Georgia.  And in Indianapolis and Kansas, you can only do it in self-defense.

HHRI:  I can see it now:  Bird murder trial of the century.  Defendant claims self-defense.

BF:  There are laws about chickens, too.

HHRI:  Why am I not surprised?

BF:  You’re not allowed to own them in Louisville, Colorado – though you are allowed to own up to three turkeys.  And in Columbus, Georgia, you can’t cut off a chicken’s head or carry a chicken by its feet on Sunday.

HHRI:  How do you know all this stuff, Burney?

Hunting 2BF:  Training, my reverend friend.  The cutting edge of fish and wildlife management enforcement training.  And a mind like a steel trap.

HHRI:  Well, I’m impressed.  But these are some really strange laws.

BF:  Oh, those aren’t the strange ones.

HHRI:  For real?  What, pray tell, are the strange ones?

BF:  Well, you can’t keep an alligator in a bathtub in Arkansas, or educate dogs in Hartford.  Chasing fish in a city park in New Orleans will get you in trouble.  And if you take a lion to the movies in Baltimore, or tie your giraffe to a telephone poll or street lamp in Atlanta, we’ll get you every time.

HHRI:  Wow.  Maybe I should stick to fishing.

BF:  We’ve got you covered there, too.

HHRI:  Figures.

BF:  With fishing, method is very important.  For example, it’s illegal to use a lasso to catch a fish in Tennessee.  Canned corn is banned bait in Oregon.  Dynamite is a no-no in Pennsylvania.  Catching fish by hand is also illegal Pennsylvania, Kansas and Indiana.  You can’t use a bow and arrow in Kentucky.  In Pennsylvania, you may not catch a fish by any body part except the mouth.  And whatever you do, don’t get a fish drunk in Ohio.  Or we’ll be on you like fleas on Bigfoot.

HHRI:  Ooh.  I believe you.

BF:  And one other thing, while we’re fishing.

HHRI:  What’s that?

BF:  Boats are okay, and the bank is ok.  But you can’t fish from horseback in Utah, a camel’s back in Idaho, or a giraffe’s neck in Chicago.

HHRI:  No prob.  I left my giraffe tied to a light pole in Atlanta anyway.

BF:  An lest you should get any bright ideas about bigger fish to fry…

HHRI:  Bigger fish?  Like bass or catfish?

BF:  No, like whales.  Just remember.  Whaling is against the law in Nebraska, Oklahoma, and Virginia.

HHRI:  Well, Virginia I can see, but… Nebraska and Oklahoma?  Um…

BF:  That’s right, mister.  And in Ohio, you can’t go whaling on Sundays.

HHRI:  Something every outdoors person needs to remember.  Any last thoughts, Burney?

BF:  Just remember, folks.  The Fish and Wildlife division is here for you.  And you men in New Jersey – just be ready.  I hear there’s gonna be a crackdown on knitters this season.

HHRI:  Knitters?

BF:  Yep.  It is against the law for a man to knit during fishing season.

HHRI:  I won’t even ask.

BF:  Probably a good idea.

HHRI:  So Burney, one last question.  I can’t help but notice the similarity in name.  Are you in any way related to that famous deputy from Mayberry?

BF:  (smiling) Oh yeah, that’s my Uncle Barn.  He’s one of my law enforcement heroes.

HHRI:  Interesting.  What does he have that you don’t?

BF:  Well, for starters, he gets a bullet for his gun.

{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }

Cannon Law October 13, 2018 at 12:51 pm

Is there an audio? Wanna hear this dude!

Tyler Flood October 18, 2018 at 11:49 am

Nice! I really like hunting so this is a great opportunity, how to register or participate?

Leave a Comment

CommentLuv badge

{ 2 trackbacks }

Previous post:

Next post: