I Need an Attorney – I Messed with Texas

by Andy Wood on November 13, 2009

in Conversations, Gamblers, LV Alter-egos

Crime“Thank you for calling Killinger, Meeks, and Nowlin.  This is Brenda.  How may I direct your call?”

“Hi, Brenda, this is Andy.  I need an attorney.  I’ve been busted.”

“I’m sorry to hear that, sir, but I’m sure we can help.  KillMeNow specializes in not being picky at all in who we represent.”

“Uh, thanks, I think.”

“So I can assist you further, can you tell me why you’re behind bars?”

“Well, it’s sort of embarrassing. You see, I was taking the dog wannabes to the groomer…”

“Dog wannabes, sir?”

“Yeah – our little Malteses, Gabbi and Gracie.”

“Oh, how cute!  I love exotic animals.”

“Yeah, well, anyway… when I got to the groomer, I tucked one dog under each arm.  They get really nervous, you know.  So, since I don’t have three hands, I reached up, pulled the keys out of the truck, and tossed them on the passenger seat while I took the mutts in.”

“Oh no.”

“Ohhhh, yes.  Apparently I did this just as the parking officer came by.  Next thing I knew, there were sirens, a bull horn, and something about having me surrounded.  Sorta looked like a SWAT team at the convenience store across the street, too.”

“Well, you know in Texas it’s a crime to tempt a criminal – particularly a car thief.”

“I know now, for cryin’ out loud!  I’m in a tight spot!  And I think these leg irons were made for made for girls.”

“Were you wearing your seat belt at the time, sir?”

“Seriously?  I was out of the car.”

“Sorry, sir.  I am required to ask.”

“Well, anyway, about the time I’m being shoved into the back seat of the police car, some guy wearing dark glasses comes up and hands me your card.  Said you could help.”

“Spendid!  That would be our EVAC officer.”

“EVAC?”

“Yes sir – our Emergency Vehicle Awareness Cruiser.  At KillMeNow, we try to stay on top of the most relevant needs for our legal services.  And if you don’t mind me saying so, Mr. Wood, you really do need our help.”

“That bad, huh?”

“It’s serious, I’m afraid.  But we successfully address many of these kinds of cases each year.”

“You mean, keys in the car?”

“Yes, and plenty more state-wide.  Last week we defended a man in Port Arthur who had eaten a big bowl of chili for lunch, then got on an elevator.  He couldn’t help it.  Passed a little gas, and a fellow passenger nearly fainted.  They called the police, and he called us.”

“No kidding?”

“None at all, sir.  It’s against the law in Port Arthur to emit obnoxious odors on an elevator.”

“Oh my.  And that went to court?”

“We settled.  Probation, community service, nutrition counseling, and a year’s supply of Beano.”

“That sounds hopeful.”

“Then there was the failure to notify case.”

“What happened?”

“Bar fight.  A client of ours assaulted somebody without giving the required 24-hour notice.”

“That’s crazy!”

“Tell me about it.  The law plainly says that criminals are required to give their victims 24 hours notice, either orally or in writing, and to explain the nature of the crime to be committed.”

“No, I mean the law is crazy.”

“That’s not for us to say.  We’re law-yers.  Our job is to make an honest living off of the laws, whatever they are.  KillMeNow just happens to represent our fair share of… unusual cases.”

“I thought mine was pretty unusual.”

“Not really, sir.  Yours falls into the category of blaming the victim, and those kinds of laws are everywhere.”

“So what are the unusual ones you’re talking about?”

“Well, Sadie Johnson, up near Amarillo?  Thought it would be neighborly to milk Ethel Pendergrass’ cow while Ethel was visiting her sister on the coast.  Unfortunately, that’s not allowed in Texas.”

“Amazing.”

“Then Brian Hawley, down in Galveston.  Arrested for driving a dune buggy without windshield wipers.”

“But dune buggies don’t even have windshields!”

“Doesn’t matter.  Vehicles must still have windshield wipers in this state.”

“Unbelievable.”

“Oh, and Keith James, in Richardson?  Put a “for sale” sign on his car and parked it near the street, so people could see it.”

“As opposed to, in a garage, where nobody could?”

“Precisely.  The bad news is, Mr. James now has a criminal record.  The good news, though, is that, thanks to KillMeNow, he was able to sell his car to the bailiff.”

“You’re killin’ me, Brenda.  This is insanity.”

“In the legal profession, sir, we prefer to think of it as industry.  The citizens elect lawyers to write laws for their protection.  This protects the law-abiding citizens of this state and insures that we’ll always need more attorneys.”

“So is there any hope of me getting out of these handcuffs, Brenda?  The dogs are probably ready to be picked up by now.  And a guy in my holding cell was lookin’ at me kinda funny.”

“Not a problem, sir.  I’m sure we can work out a plea bargain.  It’ll require some community service, a fine, and maybe a pick-of-the-litter for the judge’s little girl.”

“(Sigh…) I guess I can work that out.”

“Oh, and empathy training.”

“What? Empathy for who?”

“Empathy for the potential car thieves, sir.  The theory is that if we can understand the broken world of the criminal, we would take more steps to help him or her with his or her alleged problem.”

“I’m gonna have to think about that one.”

“Well, there is a conveniently-located Perpetrator Empathy Training School near your groomer, Mr. Wood.”

That’s what ‘PETS’ stands for?  I thought they sold fish and birds.”

“It’s more like a circus than a pet store, sir.”

“I can believe that.  Okay, Brenda, I guess I’m over the proverbial barrel here.  Can somebody there help me?”

“I’m sure we’d be delighted, Mr. Wood.  I’ll transfer your call to Mr. Keith James.”

“You mean the guy from Richardson?”

“Yes, he’s our newest associate.  We like to say at KillMeNow, once he felt the heat, he saw the light!  Are you looking for a career change, sir?”

“Uh, not just yet.  But I do have one more question, Brenda.”

“Certainly!”

“Is it really true that it’s a crime to pee on the Alamo?”

“Brenda?  Are you there?”

MISter Wood!  There are some things not even we would defend!”

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