Hanukkah Hams – Ho Ho Whoa Edition

by Andy Wood on December 15, 2008

in Gamblers, LV Alter-egos, Spoofs


It was only a matter of time before something as festive and holy as Christmas brought out the fun side in all of us. And every year has its own version. Here’s a little Monday Christmas fun, Hanukkah Ham style:

Our friend Tim Hawkins, of Cletus Take the Reel fame, sends this Christmas Greeting. Click here then click on “The Christmas Puppy.”

Jacked-up Christmas Lyrics

A couple of weeks ago I was researching for a Christmas message titled “Jacked Up” about the crazy ideas and expectations people have around the holidays (you can hear it here: here).

I came across several web sites and blogs that talk about jacked-up lines in Christmas songs. Here are some of my favorites:

1. In 1964 the Beach Boys released a song called, “Christmas Comes This Time of Year.” That’s helpful! Deep, too. Sort of like saying, “Monday comes this time of week.”

2. Andy Williams, among others, is famous for the song, “It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year.” A line in that song says,

“There’ll be scary ghost stories and tales of the glories….”

Whoa, there, AW. How many people do you know that tuck their little kids in bed on Christmas Eve and tell them tales of bleeding holly, haunted sleighs, or demon-possessed reindeer? Now go on to sleep kids!

3. In a moving song about the birth of Jesus, “Do You Hear What I Hear” has a line that says,

A child, a child, shivers in the cold; Let us bring Him silver and gold…

Here’s a thought – how ‘bout a blanket! Did you ever say to a shivering baby, “It’s OK, honey. Here’s a gold coin.”

4. The classic, “Away in a Manger” says,

The cattle are lowing, the baby awakes. But little Lord Jesus no crying He makes.

Okay, that’s possible, I guess. But if Jesus came to identify with us, I figure He started out at His birthplace. Now did you ever see a cow wake your baby up, and the kid act all happy about it? I’m just sayin’.

“Helpful” Shopping Advice from the REAL Experts

Christmas being the season of giving gifts, here are a couple of pieces of helpful advice.

Jeff Foxworthy – or is it Jess Foxborough? – teamed up with Bigstuf Media to give advice on giving gifts that we need.  You can actually purchase this video for your iPod, your church, or yes, as a one-of-a-kind Christmas present.

The folks at J. C. Penney have done us guys a favor with an exquisitely-produced reminder – Beware of the Dog House.

Speaking of shopping, check out this quote from Dave Berry:

Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in the Holiday Season, that very special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. We traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we see a shopper emerge from the mall, then we follow her, in very much the same spirit as the Three Wise Men, who 2,000 years ago followed a star, week after week, until it led them to a parking space.

From the Blotter

But why try to produce or make up funny when reality will do just fine?

What’s a pawn shop doing with a fireplace?

The AP reported on December 10 that a man in St. Louis tried to one-up Santa and rob a pawn shop by going down the chimney.

Nice try.

He got stuck, in the middle of the night, wedged in so tightly that he was unable to move. After about three hours, rescuers were able to knock away some bricks and free him.

Well, at least free him from the chimney. The report closed by saying he was taken to the hospital for evaluation. Evaluation of what, for cryin’ out loud? And what kind of hospital?

This Just In from the Get-a-Life Department

What do a four-foot Santa, a snowman lawn decoration, and a lighting stand all have in common? They were all stolen from people’s lawns in Manchester, Maryland – population 3,548. By a neighbor. Police have charged Gabriele Margo Markert, 51, with stealing lawn decorations from her fellow town residents.

Oooh, where to start?

If you’re gonna do something like that, here’s a thought: At least drive down the road a bit to Maple Grove or Cranberry.

Warning: This Sweet Baby Jesus is Monitored by Security Devices

The next time you plan on stealing an outdoor Baby Jesus, be warned: You’re probably being watched by satellites or security cameras. That’s what an 18-year-old woman in Wellington, Florida discovered the hard way. It seems that more and more people are turning to electronic or GPS security measures to protect their mangers or menorahs.

There’s one industry that apparently hasn’t been hurt by the recession.

What Kind of Christmas Tree Would Jesus Pick?

Finally, on a more reflective note, pastor and artist David Hayward posted this recently, titled, “Jesus Picks a Christmas Tree.”

{ 1 comment… read it below or add one }

billy worth May 5, 2009 at 10:17 am

Can you please give a little more information on this?

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