Bobo Brown and the “ART” of Politics

by Andy Wood on July 25, 2008

in Spoofs

Elections bring out the best and the worst in people. Fortunately, in order to preserve our sanity, they also bring out the funny and the philosopher in us, too.  Check out Walt Handelsman’s take on McCain vs. Obama: The 2008 Summer Olympics.

The amazing folks at jibjab have created this one:

Now for some real wisdom…

Athens had Plato and Aristotle.  Israel had Solomon.  Colonial America had Jefferson and Madison.  We had Bobo Brown.

Bobo Brown was a great American.  He believed in the things that made America great:  God, Guts, and Guns.  And he had lots of all three.  He was a faithful member of our church and spent a lot of time in the great outdoors with his three boys.

When it came to guts, well, just use your imagination.

A mechanic by trade, and reputed to be a good one, I never saw Bobo in his shop.  But I could always find him at the coffee shop at 7:00 in the morning.  10:30, too.  Then again in the afternoons at 3:00.  The world didn’t exactly beat a path to Bobo’s door, but if we ever needed wisdom that actually made a little sense, we could always check in with him.

I had only been in town about six months, and the statewide primaries were soon to be held.  I didn’t know many local people or local issues, so when I saw Bobo looking over the sample ballot in the newspaper, I figured I’d ask him who I should vote for.

“I been thinking about that,” Bobo said.  (I since learned that whatever you asked Bobo about, he’d been thinking about it.  And he always had an opinion about it.)  “I normally don’t tell people who to vote for, preacher, but since you’re new, I will let you know, I’m voting for this guy for sheriff.”

“Why’s that?” I wanted to know.

“Because he’s the one with the hand-painted signs.  I always try to vote for the guy with the hand-painted signs.”

Judging from the look on my face, I guess Bobo figured “Why’s that?” would follow his every comment.  So he just kept talking.  “Campaignin’ with hand-painted signs means he has more time than money, and can probably do some good.”

“Makes sense to me,” I said.  “What about Governor?  You gonna vote for [insert big name here]?”

“Nah,” Bobo said.  “Too many endorsements.  There’s just some people, if they’re for ‘em, kinda makes me nervous about ‘em.”

“So you’re voting for [other big name] instead?

“Nope.  He says he’s got nothing to hide.  I never vote for a politician who says he’s got nothin’ to hide.  He’s probably hidin’ somethin’.”

“So what about these local elections?”  I asked.  “I don’t know a lot of these people, since they don’t go to our church.”

“Well,” Bobo said, other than the hand-painted signs, I have three rules I go by:

One, always vote for the one who will attend as many funerals after he’s elected as he does before he’s elected.

Two, vote for the one who can set a spell.  If he’s always in a hurry now, you never will get his attention after he’s in office.

And three, vote for anybody who’s willing to be an umpire at a kids’ baseball game.  If he can make close calls with screamin’ Mamas in the stands, he’ll do all right as a judge or something else.  Oh, and there’s one negative.”

“What’s that?”

“Never vote for anybody who hasn’t paid off their student loan.  If they misused public money once, they’ll do it again.”

“What about preachers in politics?” I asked.

“Been thinkin’ about that, too,” Bobo said.  The way I figure it, if a preacher’s running for something, only vote for him if you’d also vote for him to be your pastor.  Or I guess if he already was your pastor, you could vote for him if you thought he needed a career change,” he said with a grin.  “Why?  You thinkin’ about running for something?”

Pause here for a fantasy break.
“I’m running for something at the church every week,” I replied. “That’s enough for me. But I do have one more question, Bobo. Who are you voting for in the School Board race?””This guy,” Bobo said, pointing to the ballot.“But he doesn’t have hand-painted signs, and he’s always in a hurry,” I objected.“Yeah, but he’s also my brother-in-law,” Bobo said blushing. And my wife said I will be votin’ for him if I intended to get any more meals from her kitchen.””Dude, you do know your politics,” I said laughing.

“Well, I been thinkin’ about it.”

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