A S.C.A.R.Y. Letter to Thomas Jefferson

by Andy Wood on June 30, 2008

in Spoofs

JeffersonDear Mr. Jefferson,

On behalf of the Society for Colonial Advancement in Rational Yankeeism (SCARY for short), I want to commend you on your recent effort.  Your so-called “Declaration of Independence” certainly has promise, and your draft, should you deem it wise to proceed, is a fine beginning.  However, the Society has some concerns about some of your language and felt quite certain that such a Rational man as yourself would appreciate the opportunity to make a good work even better.  To wit:

-Your reference to the “Laws of Nature and of Nature’s God.”  While we admit that children in Sunday Schools may still believe in a Supreme Being, our society finds such a reference demeaning to the human spirit.  Moreover, a couple of our members are somewhat anxious about what you mean by “Laws of Nature.”  They find such a phrase to suggest that it might somewhat limit the “creative expression of their unique identity,” if you catch my drift.

-Again, your use of the words “created” and “Creator” leave no room for our understanding that humankind has evolved over millions of years.  While we delight in your reference to “life,” “liberty,” and “the pursuit of happiness,” we prefer to let individuals define for themselves what those constitute, free from the constraints suggested by “endowments” from an Almighty entity.

-The appeal in your closing paragraph to the “Supreme Judge of the world” is most disconcerting of all.  Such references to Ultimate accountability are mean-spirited and reckless – inappropriate for use in public life.  Perhaps rewording it more kindly – something like “cosmic love-giver” or the more human, “judgment of humankind” would improve the document.

-Finally, sir, regarding the pledge of “our lives, our Fortunes, our sacred Honor,” we find such phrases alarming.  Put bluntly, sir, the pledge of life suggests the risk of life.  We find such language to suggest the barbaric possibility of war to secure the “blessings” (another offensive religious word) of liberty to a generation yet to be born.  Rather than pledging your considerable fortunes to secure liberty for those you do not even know, we suggest pooling your funds to help the poor you already do know.  Such an act would appease the King and earn goodly favor in the press.  Moreover, it avoids the risk of death and war.  As we say, “Better taxed than terminated.”

In conclusion, Mr. Jefferson, while we appreciate some of the sentiments expressed in your document, we must vigorously request the address of the aforementioned concerns.  Failure to do so may make it necessary to consult with a local magistrate.  In other words, good sir, we’ll see you in court.


Seymor Dredd

{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }

Daddy June 30, 2008 at 1:38 pm

Wow! I’m surely glad that the idiots of today weren’t around in Jefferson’s time. No telling what sort of a messy government we’d have today with them.


kenSwitzer July 1, 2008 at 9:18 am

It wouldn’t be a “messy government”.
It would be a monarchy and we would be known as “LEA” Little Europe of America”.


carissa July 1, 2008 at 9:38 pm

i do wonder what many lawmakers and other politicians and judges and lawyers think of our beloved Declaration. does anybody read it anymore? do they find it quaint and archaic, puzzling and embarrassing, or do they gloss over all the theism and Christian assumptions and make it into what they want it to be? do they find it relevant for today, or merely symbolic, a figurehead document?

even if some do find it irrelevant, i’m glad it says what it does, because, as pointed out above, i think it has kept us from becoming Europe so far (in the secularist sense). i wrote a somewhat related blog post today on Christian values leaking out in the secular world.

carissas last blog post..Googlethink and freedom: when less really is more.

Leave a Comment

CommentLuv badge

Previous post:

Next post: