Thimk! Another Round of Hanukkah Hams

by Andy Wood on March 10, 2008

in Exploring the Possibilities, Insight, Life Currency, LV Cycle

car-overload.jpgNobody gets anywhere without ideas. And nobody gets it right 100% of the time. So sometimes we take risks, try things, and hindsight tells us we were geniuses. Sometimes, things just don’t work. But sometimes we score a Hanukkah Ham – one of those choice decisions that qualify us for the Blooper Reel of Life.

This edition of Hanukkah Hams is devoted to life behind the wheel – the things you see, the things you say, and the things you do. Yeah, we’ve all been there. And it seemed like a good idea at the time.

A couple of weeks ago I got to my local teaching assignment at Wayland Baptist University a bit early, and proud to get a close parking place. Just before class was to start, one of the staff members comes in saying he couldn’t find the owner of “that truck.”

Has your sinkin’ heart ever told on you?

“What truck?” I asked.

“A little blue truck,” he said. “It rolled out of the parking lot and hit a Cadillac. And the lady’s waiting for the owner in the lobby.”

Swell.

Sure enough, my truck had not been left in gear, and it rolled across the parking lot and was blocking Ms. Cadillac in. And to add insult to injury, somebody had driven right past my errant truck and taken my cool parking place! (Sigh).

*****

WeinermobileSometimes it’s best NOT to wish you were an Oscar Meyer Weiner. Like the time last month when one of Oscar’s six Weinermobiles spun out and got stuck in the snow in Pennsylvania.

This prompted, of course, an endless flurry (to coin a phrase) of bad and really bad jokes.

I’ll leave you to make up your own.

*****

The other day Cassie, my daughter, is driving in Ft. Worth. She looks to the right and notices one of those “special” police cars. No lights on top, and a special designation painted on the side. This particular car was black, and on the side, in gold letters, the sign read, “Criminal Patrol.” Cassie says:

Isn’t the primary purpose of most police cars to patrol for criminals? What makes that guy special? And if he’s the one patrolling for criminals, then what the heck are all of the regular police guys doing all day?

One other thought – maybe the criminals are actually doing the patrolling.

*****

Of course, I have plenty more Hanukkah-Ham-in-the-car experiences of my own. Like the time the fam was in a car wash and I thought it would be funny to repeat a practical joke my friend Rick Cagle did on his wife. The idea was to say, “Hey Robin, look,” and point out the passenger side. Then to bump the power window control just enough to make her jump. I said, “Hey Robin, look.” She turned. I bumped the power window control… a little too much. Dropped her window about an inch and a half. Mamma turned and looked at me, her hair soused with suds. She was not amused. Hey, it seemed like a good idea at the time.

Or the time in Dothan, Alabama, when I put unleaded fuel in my diesel car. A blown head gasket, a warped head, and multiple hundreds of Reagan-era dollars later, that car was never the same. I trailed a cloud of smoke wherever I went. People would turn out behind me and I’d watch ‘em in the mirror, drifting further and further back. When I left town, the local Chevron station owner in Abbeville gave me the Diesel Fuel insert that went on the front of his pumps as a gag gift. I was proud to be such a source of entertainment.

My first church job was janitor and yard man for my home church. One summer day I was sitting on one of those mondo-wide riding mowers with the two handles that can turn on a dime. Cruising along, I saw a magazine on the ground up ahead. Wisdom would dictate that I shut off the mower, get off, discard the mag, and resume my duties. “Wisdom” wasn’t exactly the priority at the time. In a collision of stupid and curious, I thought in my best redneck tone, “Let’s see what this bad boy’ll do.” Just as I passed the point of no return, I realized I was about to obliterate a “Playboy” magazine. Whooom! Arms and legs and miniscule giblets of glossy paper went everywhere. I spent the next 45 minutes picking all that up. Don’t believe I’d do that again.

I’m sure you’ve had some “Uh Oh” experiences of your own. I’d love to hear them. And remember, the only people who never had a Hanukkah Ham are the ones who never tried to do anything meaningful. Stick your neck out! Then let us know if it qualifies for the blooper reel.

Hey, if you don’t, somebody else will.

{ 1 comment… read it below or add one }

Lawsongf March 25, 2008 at 8:30 am

thats it, brother

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